Are you God?

This is the top question of the year.  I was taken aback because it was the first time I was asked this.
Oh, of course not.  I laughed , though nervously, as I said it. 
 But you talked as if you knew everything.
  Oh ,did I sound like that? 
 Yes.  That was my brother-in-law.
Sorry, if you think so but I am actually quoting from the Bible, spiritual books or some famous pastors around the world.  You see, you don't read and you don't attend church, so I am doing you the favour of telling you all these.  Please don't say that I am acting or speaking like God.  You know I am not.  I hope I can be like Him though.  Full of wisdom, perfect in all ways. However, I do believe in His existence and my existence in this world is to do His will.  There is much peace in believing that, I assure you. No?
 You needed money, why don't you tell your god to give you a few millions if you think he is so great. 
 How do you suppose is it going to be, brother?  Money falling from the sky? I don't gamble in the casinos, nor  do I buy a lottery ticket, which I was taught since young not to talk or think about money too much as it would make me poorer instead. (Now I am beginning to understand the wisdom of my mom's words) Whatever do I need so much for?  No, brother, I won't pray for money. (Now, I am beginning to regret telling him my financial woes.  I should seek God's counsel instead of people) Instead, I will pray that whatever situation I am in, it is all His will and I will not feel the need for that big amount of money.  I will feel at peace even I do not have the money. On the other hand, I am very sure I will not be at peace with too much material wealth.  If I do not have money for something,  I will just do something else.  For example, not  going for oversea trips, less shopping for new clothes or whatever but to be happy staying at home, enjoying the company of each other, doing things together etc.  We can still be joyful.
My brother-in-law who is almost eighty, is an atheist.  My sister is a staunch Buddhist, though she claims she is just lukewarm about it.  She insisted that the belief in self is more important.  No god or human is able to help you or solve your problems if you do not help yourself.  The god that she believes in has limited power; he cannot possibly listen to everyone's problems. Very sad.

Love Disguised

What a learning experience I am having day by day! God's manisfestation revealed.  Why didn't it occured to me before?  Is it  something to do with my personal efforts in getting close to Him!  Or is it His planned timing when He wants to show up suddenly? 
Why is my attitude towards a difficult friend suddenly changed?  Why am I not feeling irritated by her selfish traits anymore? Why is the tone of  my voice as I speak to her suddenly sounding gentler? I need not tolerate her anymore! I have not been too true to her, I must admit.  I can't even believe myself now.  I am even enjoying being with her.  I am even beginning to love her like a sister and she, in turn, responded with sincerity which I had thought she was not capable of.  Thank God I did not give up hope on her.  I was thinking of avoiding her because I was, at one point, badly affected by her selfishness and stubborness. A few friends who are known to us mutually had warned me of her queerness and they had long avoided her as much as possible.  God's lessons are so difficult to understand.  I must remember to be more tolerant, as well as be more patient towards anybody at all.
We are often tested.  I can be very critical sometimes and so quick in forgetting that we should not be judging others.  Even if we do not voice out, but if the thoughts are in our minds, we are doing wrong already. Have kinder thoughts of another, try to be more understanding.  Never criticise or judge as if these have become your 'staples' or necessities.

Things that Women Take Pride In

Women are mostly vain, especially those who live in the cities.  Of course, there are some men who are just the same. Besides the face, other parts of the body are given special treatment so that the woman will look young, trendy and rich.  A lot of money is spent on the hair; money spent on washing, blowing dry, styling, perming, steaming, straightening, colouring and in the most recent decade, there is rebonding of hair too.  That is not enough.  The toe nails have to look nice, and they get pedicured and painted.   Fingernails get manicured and painted too.  In recent years,  there seems to be nail salons in almost every big town where nail art is the name of the game.  Nails have never looked so beautiful before! 
Then in recent years too , we have more and more foot massage parlours.  They are indeed very interesting and I came to learn about them when I chanced to peer into one of them after I was attracted towards it by a strange smell of Chinese/Thai ointment. The patrons, which comprise almost equal number of men and women, will take off their shoes, sandals or slippers outside the parlour before they go in.  They will sit on the rather large adjustible chairs while the foot masseurs rub oil on their feet and start massaging them.  I wonder if these people are trained at all! Trained or not, they seem to be able to satisfy their customers.Their customers  are people who feel that they deserve such treats because they have worked hard for their money and it is one way to pamper their dear selves. Of course, there are some who need foot massages due to foot problems.
The body shape is another thing that women are very particular about. Going on a slimming diet to possess a pencil like slimness is often a preoccupation of most young girls. As for Asians, skin of  a fair complexion and  porcelain smoothness is an ideal asset most girls dream to have.  Sun block creams and skin whiteners have never been seen in such abundance on shelves of all skin care departments before.
Foundations, rouge, lipsticks, mascara, false eye lashes , eyeliners, eyeshadows, to name a few, are all used to improve the looks of one who is already a beautiful creation of God.  However, human's idea of what is beautiful changes after a while, after they set their eyes on something that is different from them,  and which triggers something in the brain and sends some impulses to the brain that makes it think the other is more beautiful than what one has been looking at all this while.  Therefore, they start to invent things to make them achieve what they like to see and to own it, even if it is temporary.
Humans are generally vain and that is why there are so many things in the market for them to buy to improve themselves. 
Clothings to reduce flabbiness at the wrong parts or to enhance certain body parts are such innovative ideas when other plans fail.  Women especially are such interesting creatures.  God bless all women!

Compare, Contrast, Differentiate....

Every day decisions are based on choices mostly.  We compare one with another.  We weigh the pros and cons.  The right choice and therefore the right decision is determined by several factors
; by human standards or by what the norm is.  Any deviations will render the decision/s either foolish or unwise.


Some are prejudiced whereas others may well decide based on logically thoughts or even on calculations.
There are some who made decisions based on their religious beliefs and also  some are influenced by what is taught by ancestors who had theorised their ideas after many years of observations.


Lately I have met up with a girl friend whom I have not met for two  decades.  She had changed tremenduously; she has changed from a happy-go lucky girl to a woman full of fears.  Almost every day in her life cannot have passed without faithful refernce to her 'feng shui' book.  How I wished her 'feng shui' book was a Bible instead.  Of course, I did not tell her that.  My heart ached as I listened to her conversation about how she had to make sure every part of her house was renovated according to 'feng shui' requirements.


At the end of the less than half an hour session with her, I felt full of pity for her, not that she was impoverished which she is not at all, but because of her rather 'archaic' beliefs.  I felt that I had been listening to my grandma , because that was how my grandma was.  How can some one who look so modern have such old fashioned thinking? On second thoughts,  Oh no, 'feng shui' is no more old fashioned.  I mean, she sounded like my grandma, or my great grandmother.  I cannot go on listening to that. Why?  I suppose it is the Holy Spirit in me that is not feeling comfortable.


Holy Spirit , are you in me?  Please stay in me.  I need your wisdom always and forever.  Never leave me.


Recently I discovered that when one keep on exerting one's beliefs and faith, especially to a non-believer, one will soon be rejected, no matter how close you have been to her/him.   Sad.  Whatever  it may be, prayers will be said for her/him. 

Utopia

How wonderful life will be if there is not a single worry! No worry about what to eat, where to eat, with whom to eat  and when to eat. No worry about getting fat or getting thin. No need to have ambitions, just study to gain knowledge, not to study to get a degree to get employed in a highly paid job, to earn more money to buy a good car, a house or what else you think you need to show others that you are not poor, to show others you got taste, or what else you want to show off to others. Why do  we have to live this life to prove to others what you want to prove to others? 
Yet , we get many people who are preoccupied with doing this. They slogged day and night to 'chase' after the material possessions to put themselves at a level that is comparable to a certain group of people as if without them they are not able to live.
Yes, and when you asked them about God, they professed they believe in Him. However, they are living their lives like everything depended on their own human abilities and whatever successes they achieved are due to their hard work  or intelligence , and after some hesitation, some may even remember it is God.  Some may even say that it is the belief in self and not something that is too difficult to perceive, like God,  and without this confidence, nothing is achievable.
Pray that we remember that though we may be able to plan, God is always in control. We may plan and endeavour to amass as many materialistic possessions as we can , God's hands are still in it.  He may allow it or He may take  away everything in one day.  Scary. Yes, we better fear God and pay Him more attention than the worldly things.  Whatever turns our lives may take, we must praise Him for He is the one who really know us one hundred percent, not even ourselves.  
I wish all my children are missionaries because I think missionaries do not worry too much about worldly things and as a result, they will not be hurting God.   What a life this world is! Full of cares! Only God can give us true freedom, from all kinds of enslavement.

My Stories: Internet and Facebook, Knowledge and Friendship

My Stories: Internet and Facebook, Knowledge and Friendship: Recently it just dawned on me how one can get stuffed with as much knowledge as one is able to contain due to the availability of the inter...

My Stories: Random Sketches

My Stories: Random Sketches: Some of the random sketches I have done from photos a friend had taken on a day at the park  .I was enthralled at how much ...

Random Sketches

Some of the random sketches I have done from photos a friend had taken on a day at the park  .I was enthralled at how much the park can offer.  Wish it is where I live but alas, I think I have to wait for a couple of years yet. 

Two photos sketched on a single piece of paper

 The picture was first done with the light switched on not as bright as when I touched it up the second time.  Later the picture looks brighter .The final picture is the one above but it is still incomplete.  I will continue on another day because I just can't get it right and I don't  want to waste my paint.So difficult that I am almost giving up; I guess it is  my impatience that is getting the best of me.

I wish to do better.  I am not good enough

Internet and Facebook, Knowledge and Friendship

Recently it just dawned on me how one can get stuffed with as much knowledge as one is able to contain due to the availability of the internet and especially due to many free online courses offered by universities all over the world.  However, I have mixed feelings about this.  Firstly, I was indeed overjoyed by the new discovery.  Secondly, I felt it is such a pity that some people especially some youngsters will rather choose to go on 'bad' websites than the ones beneficial to them.
Now, I wished I could turn back the clock.  I wished I am now a young person; one who is still in high school.  It is just wonderful to be able to get information from the numerous sources in the internet.
I could go online and get help with my homework instead of pondering over my problems for hours and hours trying to figure them out myself.
School homework now is a thing of the past. Now I am happy with spiritual websites, especially Christian sermons from the States and UK.  I can listen to the sermons in the archives or do bible study too.  I need not worry about missing out on anything due to my inattention because I can repeat the lessons over and over again by clicking the buttons on the keyboard.  Learning God's words had never been easier and more fun.  I find myself having such a big appetite for learning the Bible but alas, my memory is not that good these days.  I find myself repeating the lessons sometimes because I want to fully understand them.   Thank God for the internet.

The Facebook is equally useful.  When I have doubts, I can get my friends to give me second opinions. For one who is too busy with family and household chores, the Facebook is a vital link to the outside world.  It makes one feel there is someone out there even if you feel so alone.  However, there are some 'friends' who are not sincere and you have to be careful with them.  Instead of lifting you or making your days happier, these people have nothing better to do but to put you down.  These people should not be on Facebook at all because that is not what Zuckerberg intended.  Maybe there should be a kind of 'police' to track these people down. Facebook should be used to foster better ties and understanding amongst all mankind; the result of which there should be less racists, extremists and more harmonious living. God bless Facebook!  A friend in Facebook said it rightly; we Christians are not strangers, not even over Facebook.  I felt the warmth of Christ's love already.  How wonderful to be in this family!
However, one really should be very disciplined.  I am having so much fun these days in front of my computer that I am forgetting to go for my workouts.  That is bad for my health.  It should not be that way.  Time for some physical exercises!

Pursue Your Passion

God bless me with children who can study well.  All three of them have high ambitions, and being a mother, I am always encouraging them to go ahead to do what they like.  If they want to study medicine, I tell them , 'Don't hesitate because we may never walk this way again.  We cannot turn back the clock and it is no good to live in regrets'. Pray about it.  Is it what God wants you to do? At the end of the day, most importantly, it must be what God wants and not  whatYOU want. It is so easy to forget that, especially when we are so caught up with the world.

There are many choices available; local universities, cheaper Indonesian or Russian ones, or the more expensive, unaffordable by many, Australian or British universities. Of course, there is the issue of finance to consider.  Medical courses are very expensive and the cheapest adds up to about a hundred thousand to two hundred thousand ringgit.  The only way is to take up a loan which is available at 50 to 100 percent and the repayment will only take effect once the borrower starts to work.  The interest will also take effect concurrently and at one percent per annum.  Repayment can be stretched over a maximum period of  twenty years.  Sounds not too frightening though. A simple calculation on a loan of about 150k will reveal that a repayment of monthly a thousand to two thousand will be needed once the borrower starts working.  At the current economic situation, it seems that the amount is not that hard to fork out but initially it will be rather tight for the new earner.  It will mean having to be thrifty and it does not mean that if you are a doctor,  you need to live like a rich person.  At least not for the first few years, five years maybe.  That is what one has to forgo if one wants to do what one truly loves.  You have to pay a price.  Nothing comes easy, especially being a doctor.

 In fact, I see many doctors living a simple life, not too luxurious though.  I suppose they are 'rich' in the joy that is derived from the kind of work they do or are able to do.  God bless all doctors and doctors to be!

SPM Desperado

In another five months' time, two of my students will be sitting for their SPM examinations.  I am teaching them Modern Mathematics, Additional Mathematics, General Science and Principles of Accounts.  Normally, students who at this juncture are still having zero preparedness for the examination subjects will find difficulty engaging a tutor to coach them.  Most tutors do not like their reputation to be at a stake. 
I am stupid to take up this challenge, some say. The reason why some of my friends say I am stupid is that these students are going to take up a lot of my time.  I am aware of this because this is not the first time I have very weak students.
I just like doing something no one else like to do. More hours, no extra charge. So what? Call me stupid if you like.
If you have a situation like this, just strategise. I told myself that.  I will go straight into tackling the past year questions.  These students had been in their own world too long.  They had not felt the urgency of preparing for their examinations.  Some children are like that.  They are extremely dreamy and some people may mistaken that for laziness.  I try not to think negatively about them.  If I do not have any love for them, I cannot possibly be willing to sacrifice my time for them.  I must learn not to think too much in terms of dollars and cents. 
True enough, they were startled at how little they know or how little they can produce when I gave them the past examination paper to do.  Now, they feel the urgency.  Now, I can see them pulling up their socks.  See, they are not totally helpless.  How gratifying to see them happy at their own efforts! The end of the road is still far away.  Don't give up girls!  I believe you can, just keep going.

Gone Astray

I remember once when I was about five or six, I fell into a high fever.  It was a day after I went 'missing'for a short while.  My mum thought it was the traumatic experience the night before that had caused it.However, I had not thought that the experience was as bad as my mum felt.
The incident happened one evening when I tagged along with my grandma, my youngest uncle and his newly wedded wife for a show at a local cinema. I was indeed happy because it was a one  in a million opportunity. Eventhough my father loved us very much, he had never brought us for any cinema shows, not even the roadside temple stage performances.  I had never asked why but I did understand he was always very busy with his work. 
I was enthralled by the big screen and because we sat quite close to the screen, in the seats of one of the front rows, I remembered I felt strange with the whole picture so near. I was completely taken in by the story so much so when the show ended I felt rather disorientated. As the show was ending, everyone seemed to get up so fast and in such a hurry to go out.  I was quite mad at being shoved out the row as the people who were sitting at the other end wanted to go out.  I had wanted to watch the cartoon that was still being run but was told to move on out.  I turned my body towards the exit and slowly made my way towards it.  There were some people who were extremely ruthless and they did not botther to give way.  Soon I was pushed out of the doorway into the open area outside. I turned around to see my grandma but to my surprise, she was not behind me! All the time while I was squeezing in the crowd, I had thought she was right behind me.  I thought she was moving out of the row to give way to the people at the other end.
I started to panick but told myself not to show it.  I waited and waited for my grandma, or my youngest uncle or my aunt to appear, but minutes which seemed like years passed by without any sight of them. I nearly cried but I fought  back my tears. Then,  the crowd started thinning and  there was still no sign of them. Incidentally, they were searching for me in the cinema.  They were a little slow in coming out because they decided to stay for a while to watch the cartoon, not realising that I had moved away.
While my grandma, uncle and aunt who were also in panic, went looking for me frantically, I decided to run home myself.  Every person that came out of the cinema seemed so frightening that I wanted to run home to my mum as quickly as possible.  I had the whole journey back figured out in my head.  The cinema was only about a mile away from my house.  I had walked there before with my mum to visit one of her friends who lived somewhere closeby.  I ran and ran.  At first no one gave notice to me which was good because all I had to do was run towards my house.  I ran along the main road which was quite bright because there were a few cars on the road.  At certain spots it was quite dark and those were the places where I had to double up my speed.  Then there was one place which was near a big drain where I had spotted an iguana the last time I passed by and at this spot, I trebled my speed.  I was afraid that the iguana would come and lick me with its heinous looking long tongue. 
I was almost reaching my house.  My legs were already aching.  A young man on a bicycle rode near me and wanted to say something to me.  I was scared but I ran on , not looking at him .  I wanted to appear brave and after some time, he went away when I pretended to shout for my mum.  He must had thought my mum was nearby.  I could see the road leading to my house ahead of me.  How happy I was!  I turned into the road and could see the kitchen door was opened and the kitchen light was lit.  I could not run anymore.  I stopped to walk.  Suddenly a huge black dog appeared from nowhere and it barked at me so loudly that it made jumped and I yelled.  I started to cry and that must had attracted my mum's attention for I could see her coming out of the kitchen soon enough.  She must had been very surprised to see me.  'Why are you alone? Where's everybody?'
After that, my mum must had washed me up and put me to bed.  I had no memory what happened when the rest came back without me but I remembered very well, I fell ill the next day.  My mum had to give me some Chinese medicine for my nerves and because she was a Toaist, she went to offer some scacrifices in the form of joss sticks and some fruits to some spirits somewhere along the road which I took on my fateful journey back that late night.

My Stories: The 1960s with Grandma

My Stories: The 1960s with Grandma: The afternoon sun was glaringly hot outside the zinc roofed wooden house.  Even the hens and cockerels knew better to go under the shade of...

The 1960s with Grandma

The afternoon sun was glaringly hot outside the zinc roofed wooden house.  Even the hens and cockerels knew better to go under the shade of the tall coconut trees behind "Ayah's" house.  My grandma and I used to go there to look for chicken eggs because "Ayah"  never bothered to pick them up.  Ever since his wife died, he was mainly confined to his house and was rarely seen outside except when he had to go out somewhere in his car.  He was known to be childless. "Ayah" was the middle-aged Indian landlord from whom my father rented a piece of land to build two  semi-detached houses made of bricks and wood.  He was a retired estate manager whose ancestors came to Malaya a decade or two before my grandpa.  His parents sent him to an English school where he was educated up to Form 5.  At that time, there were not many people who were able to get an English education and even if they did go to school, there were not many who could complete Form 5. "Ayah" was considered to be very educated and knowledgeable by everybody in the neighbourhood. He always had a manservant with him when he made his rounds to check if the residents kept their premises clean; no clogged drains or improper waste disposal.
"Ayah" was rich; he owned a car which I never saw him drive.  It was usually Ahmad, a very friendly young Malay man who chauffered him around.  Ahmad communicated with my grandma using a special sign language.  I used to wonder how they ever managed to understand each other.  My grandma who had lived in China since birth had stepped on Malayan soil for less than ten years.  Due to her age which was about early sixties, she found it hard to learn the Malay language.  Sometimes I would imitate them as they gestured to one another much to the annoyance of my grandma who would shoo me away like I was a persistent housefly.
As for my dad, his Malay vocabulary was very limited and he had me roaring with laughter in later years when I had learnt enough of the language in school to know his mistakes.  Despite all these differences in races and languages, my family, "Ayah" and Ahmad got on really well.  My father even had a photograph taken with the two men at a local studio.  It seemed to be a trend then to have photos taken with good friends at the studio in town, all for the sake of remembrance.  I had one taken with my friends too.  I could not remember how we had decided to do that though.  None of us had plans to leave town.  What had prompted us to have that photo taken?  Nonetheless it has now become one of my most precious possessions.
Grandma had a very funny habit.  She would not want to sleep on a cotton mattress.  Back then, there was not any rubber foam mattress yet. She preferred to sleep on her hard bed, on top of which she had spread open a straw mat.  I had tried lying down on it but I could not continue doing so for more than half an hour.  My body was already aching due to the pressure on the hard wooden planks of the bed.  "Don't you feel any pain sleeping on that, Grandma?"
"No, it's fine for me."
"How very strange!"  My grandma explained that my young body had not got used to the hardness yet.  Once I get accustomed to it, I would find it  much better than sleeping on the soft mattress.  I could not believe it.  Grandma was such a strange lady to me.  The way she combed her long hair, sitting on a stool at the back of the house caught my attention and she must had had wondered too why this granddaughter of hers had so many questions to ask. "Why Grandma , why do you comb your hair here? Why don't you do it in front of the mirror? You can't see yourself."
Every time the  daily 'sessions' I spent with my grandma were brief, about ten minutes or less because she would in no time shoo me away again.  My mother would reprimand me for disturbing the patriach and would now and then remind me not to jump on the wooden bed.  I actually liked her wooden bed, but not for sleeping.  I liked to use it as a stage for imitating the Chinese opera performances which I had the chance to see when my mother went to the Chinese temple nearby. I liked to pretend that I was one of the opera performers doing my act.  My brother would come in and tease me.  He would say that I acted stupid, making me really very mad at him for teasing me.  I would run after him, hoping to catch hold of him and give him a smack for mocking at me.  Usually I would fail to catch up with him and I would hurl at him a string of animals' names.

Not Easy to Forget the Hurt but Easier to Forgive

While it is easier to forgive another person's wrongdoing to you, it is not easy to forget the hurting that one had gone through.  Most of the time the wrong doer did not know what she or he was saying or doing due to Satanic jealousy or utmost self righteousness. I often find the main fault of individuals among my midst was jealousy and a little less was self righteousness.
The holier than thou attitude was becoming more of a way of thinking compared to the God pleasing humility. Perhaps it is self confidence gone too far.
Regular church goers are known to carry about this kind of attitude and I wonder what their minds were focussed on when the preachers were giving their sermons.  Hadn't we been told not to be self righteous? Isn't that a sin too?  Right after the morning service, I could hear people talking like they did not open their ears throughout the sermons. ' I learnt this and that when I was in Sunday school. I was taught to do this the right way. You hadn't learnt the right way. You are doing wrong.'  I heard this when one church member was telling another church member how she should go about witnessing to non-Christians. Then, in another crowd, 'I am a Catholic, you know.  What are you? We do it like this and like that.  Unlike yours, you know.  We don't do it anyhow, you know.'  The trouble with some people is that they dwell in disunity rather than unity.  They believe in one God and yet want to remain different.  For the sake of individualism?  I wonder if God likes to see His children disunited? I know my earthly father never liked his children to be that way.
I used to have a girl friend who was extremely jealous of my slimness, ample bosom and good height.  I felt so wrong to possess the physique that I was endowed with when she would pass hurting remarks about how I dressed to purposely expose certain parts of my body  to attract the males' attention.  I was totally innocent of it because I used to wear hand-me-down clothes. They were my sister's  and she was a working adult when I was only a teenager at school.  The clothes had lower necklines and some were quite thin. During those days there were few off the hanger clothes  for teenagers and because I had not a mother, nobody really cared that much how I looked.  I was told not to complain too much and to feel grateful for what was given to me.  I really had not much of a choice; there were already very few clothes in my wardrobe and I had been wearing the same clothes week in and week out. When my friend criticised me about the clothes I wore,  I was extremely hurt.  I was me,  conservative in thinking and  never was the type to try to flirt with another person's boyfriend.  I believed in myself and would not let anybody put me down. My style of dressing had not done justice to my real personality.  I had to take all the hurt quietly and at times, I was angry at my sister for handing down to me all her clothes which did not fit me very well.
Later, I learnt that I must really guard my mouth and not speak words to hurt people.  Most importantly, I have to nail the sin of jealousy and self righteousness on the cross. When a woman is jealous, she is most tempted to backstab, which is really very bad. We all are tempted to sin.  Pray that God will help me have a tight rein on my tongue, so that whatever words that come out of my mouth, they will be a good testimony to His grace.