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Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Loneliness

The worst experience that I had when I was a child of five or six years was when I had to stay at home with adults only, who would not bother to entertain you but just shooed you away like you were a 'pest' of some sort.  It was an agony when you had to walk up and down the aisle of the old fashioned house of a Chinese immigrant, pretending you had an imaginary friend to accompany you as you did that,' playing with' (actually it was leaning on) the thick cardboard partitions that divided the house into cubicles called 'bedrooms'. (I had caused one of them to collapse, much to the annoyance of my mother.)  Sometimes I would mumble to my 'friend', in various tones depending on what mood I was pretending to be at that time. I would be so preoccupied with my 'friend' that I would not hear or notice the others around me sometimes.  I would be scolded for knocking into the very busy adults or could not hear them when they asked for help.
It was a period when every family in the neighbourhood was in a competition called 'Shifting House'.  It had seemed like every one was moving away and Ah Peng was one of them.  I was broken hearted when I knew about it and Ah Peng had grown so 'remote'.  Each time when I saw her at the corner of my eyes, I could see that she did not bother to look over at my house, what more to drop by to say 'hello'.  I was indeed very sad and I did not understand why she had acted like that.  Many years later, she told me that her family was going through a 'crisis' and had to move out of her granny's house.  The 'crisis' was that her youngest uncle was going to marry and her granny wanted her father to shift to their own house as their family was getting too big.  Ah Peng had seven siblings.  She was the fourth in the family.  Her father had long ago got himself a piece of land but had not the money to build the house.  Then, he and his wife had to work doubly hard to save the money to build it.  Being the eldest son, it was very hard on him especially when he had so many children.


My feelings were all mixed up then.  I was sad and at the same time, I was jealous too.  Why, mummy, why aren't we moving house too?  I was jealous that Ah Lui and Ah Peng were going to be neighbours in their new houses.  And those two brothers down the lane were going there too.  There was much excitement as they talked about their new neighbourhood.  I felt left out and when my brother came home with tales about the new neighbourhood , it made me even more curious.  I demanded that my mother bring there immediately.  No, dear, it is not within walking distance.  Wait, wait till Ah Peng's mother invite us and we can go there for tea.  We can't just go like that.  They will think I am just being a busybody! Remember don't over stay, and  say 'No' when they ask you to stay overnight. Why can't I stay overnight?  Because you will not get used to staying there.  There is no tap water and  no electricity.  You have to go to a well to get  water for your bath  and you can't do that. You don't know how.
That made me yearn even more.  I wanted so badly to go to Ah Peng's house.  Day in and day out I was thinking of all kinds of ways to get there.  I had a rough idea where it was  situated,according to my brother's description.  I had imagined myself walking down this road and that road, and I had even imagined myself reaching Ah Peng's house.  Ah Peng was at the door of her house(the house of my own imagination , based on my brother's description) and she was happy to show me her bathroom, the well and everything.



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